Splinters

Took Garrett and Eliza to Kaleo the other day to celebrate its 25th anniversary. Started the afternoon with a walk of the property with Rush, Remus and Dozer, telling stories of days gone by. Crossing the foot-bridge as we headed back to main camp, Garrett did what all kids do: run his hand along the length of the bridge until a sizable splinter set in. Splinters create more fear than pain. A truly painful event overwhelms fear, while splinters are defined by fear. 

"Show him," Eliza begins the conversation. Garrett hesitates; finally revealing a sizable piece of Kaleo history embedded in his palm. "No stress, kid. We'll get it out," as we head up the steps past the Worship Center and towards the Nurse's Quarters, as I did countless times throughout the summers of 1995-1997. 

Every few steps we stop to talk through the process: Yes, it's going to hurt a little bit. No, it will not hurt a lot. Yes, I can get the splinter out. No, I won't cut your hand off in the process. Repeat.

We enter the infirmary, and while I search through last summer's supplies for tweezers and wet-wipes, Garrett is hunched in a chair, continuing through the same questions. "It'll be alright," I comfort him, letting him know what I'm about to, am doing, just did. "Here is is," I surprise Garrett as I hand him the splinter in all its faded glory.

I hate confession. It is healthy, wise, necessary... but I avoid it if at all possible and let the shards of sin fester. Is it going to hurt? Yes. A lot? No. Can you heal and forgive? Yes. Will you cut me off? No. Repeat. I hesitate, and slowly climb up on the infirmary chair to let God heal and change me through confession, finding that the fear was greater than the pain, and grateful for God's patient response to my reluctance.

sok

When I was a kid... (part 1)

When I was a kid, "Jinx" meant something. You might be chatting with a group of friends, and two of you innocently slip the same word out. There's a pause, pregnant, broken by panicked "JINX!". Crap! Both yelled out at the same moment; time for plan 'B': "one-two-three-four-fi-si-sevn-eigh-ni-ten, JINX!" Got 'em.
Or you might be on the prowl, listening to your rambling friend with one ear while patiently anticipating his every word, until at just the right moment you double him up, followed immediately by "JINX!". The slower responder man'd up, and stayed silent until their name was spoken aloud, and the sacred spell was broken.

This is lost on my youngest two. Jinx has devolved into a community activity, announced to one another, where we repeat "Jinx" over and over while giggling and not succumbing to its inherent powers. Once it is revealed that "Jinx" has no control over the mutual participants, we start calling out "Peanuts", hoping that word conjures some additional humor.

When I was a kid...

Dwell in the comprehension that another loves you? Lie in that place of rest? Need to have an understanding of what love is, love defined to a depth wherein serenity lies.

God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.Romans 5:8

The words of love are unfulfilling: they may excite the ears and calm the nerves, but you will not rest long with them. They are empty bedfellows.

We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us;
1 John 3:16a

Love is comprehended through mutual experience. For one to remain faithful, to continue to care for you even as they witness, experience and suffer as a result of they reality of who you are (and are not), in these times the comprehension of what love is is birthed, established, accepted, settled into, and poured over our heads with peace.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:8
To be able to rest, to sleep deeply, to be a bit careless in your life... you must be loved unconditionally by someone truly trustworthy. To learn what it is to love, we must be loved in this defining manner.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul;
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for Thou art with me;
Psalm 23:2,3,4

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Garrett is in a very different spot than Emily, Louise and Elizabeth. Maggie is 'Mama' and I am 'Daddy', but while those are deeply ingrained and comforting roles and words and people to Emily, Louise and Elizabeth, they are just names of two tall people who are generally nice to him. Garrett has not the experience with either of us to rest fully in our presence. He does not yet know what love is.
So every day, as he causes and finds and gets into the trouble of being a two-year-old, he is suffering in the fear and anguish of in-experience... he does not know what love is. I can whisper those cliched words over him ("I love you"); none of it will settle over him until time and experience reveals love to him.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us.1 John 4:18-19

As a parent for seven years, I have not really thought this responsibility. I understand how folks struggle with God's love because they do not know His definition, have not experienced and therefore been taught what love is. It is an emotional risk to give and receive this love. I am commissioned to bring Gods' love into Garrett's life, into all of my children's lives. It hurts to watch him not rest in my love. God must suffer as sees most of his creation not rest in Him. As we have been home these three months with Garrett, I believe I have learned a bit of this suffering.

Be gracious to me, O God, according to Thy lovingkindness;
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Psalm 51: 1,2,7