As I have opened up to realizing and acknowledging the 'spot' that I am residing in at this moment in life, with a general pervading of unhappiness not common in my nature, I see how seeds of cynicism have taken root - I am wholeheartedly halfhearted about it.
I was not then as I am now.
October last we had friends of the past six years over for lunch - a group who have known and traveled with me in my adult-adult years. An honest, unpretentious comment casually forwarded in response to me cavorting in favor of my gentleman nature: I am not a nice guy. Cutting me 'to the quick', I did not know how to respond. My friends were honestly assessing me: I was not who I fancied I was. More accurately, who I remembered myself to be.
I was once one of the nicest guys people knew. A ridiculous statement, to be sure, but factually accurate. Maggie married him, not me.
The observations were not made with venomous intent, but I was shamed. The little Jesuses of my daily life, my wife, my children, my friends, neighbors, coworkers... they share space with one who has lost his generous smile and humble nature. Maggie says that my actions were still right by God, but my eyes were opened to the wake of my words and tones heaved upon others. The quick-witted leader may have followers and evoke laughter, but does not honor God or His creation with the enormous respect they both deserve. Plead to God, plead for His forgiveness. 'Restore us, Elohey Tzebaoth, make your face shine upon us, that we may be saved' (psalm80).
It is dangerous folly to rest ourselves in the knowledge that any particular aspect of our Character is complete. Rather, we continuously remake ourselves through our daily living. It may be that I learned that in October, and that God began something in me that day which has stripped me of my pretense and replanted a Christian tenderness towards others once in bloom within me. With God's help, I may yet be saved from the curmudgeon.